A little waltz dance

You have been my best friend since I can remember.

We went to the same elementary school together and when we started junior high, I must admit, I worried sick about losing your friendship. It makes me laugh now, but back then it was a pretty big deal.

So many times I heard from older girls how everyone and everything changes after the first year that I couldn't help but imagine you would inevitably find a better and prettier friend than me. Never did I say a word, though. I acted as if starting this new phase in life was the most exciting thing ever and forced myself to constantly smile so my concern could be kept hidden deep within me.

Time went by and, surprisingly, you stood by me through the whole process. We both made new friends, some in common and some others we wouldn't approve.

I know I was a pain in the ass so many times, but you were too and I was more than happy to be there to hold you and support you when you most needed to. Junior high and high school are the happiest times I can remember, though I used to complain so much about it, I now realize they are my most valuable memories.

We parted ways in college with the promise of keeping in touch as much as we could and that there wouldn't be a day we didn't text and call each other… It was that way at the beginning, until someone came into your life and stole your heart and attention away from me. At first I thought it was a new friend, some sort of replacement given the difficulty of having me far away from you. But soon I realized this person, turned out to be a boy, that had all your attention meant something more to you than just a friend.

You talked nonstop about him. It became annoying sometimes but I never said anything about him because I thought that's what friends do, bear with each other (in a good way) and always be there no matter what.

The few times we visited each other, I had the chance to see you while you talked about him, and I wish I never witnessed that. It was bad enough to hear you on the phone so excited and enchanted by him, but to actually see you getting all giddy broke my heart.

I understood, right at that moment, that I had been a fool for years. What I felt for you wasn't a deep caring friendship. I had been in love with you all this time! It seemed so natural for me, to have you in my mind and heart every day, to wake up thinking of you and falling asleep remembering our long talks and your beautiful smile. It seemed to me as the most natural thing to do when you love someone, and I had been so blind and blissfully happy that I never stopped to give it a thought. On top of that, no one ever really cared enough to say a thing about it! They must have thought I was this sick obsessive friend who wanted to control you day and night, or maybe they assumed I was the sad little lesbian who ended up being your best friend out of pity.

So many things came running in my mind that I couldn't help it, I excused myself and lied about having some other stuff to do and had to leave as soon as possible.

I didn't go anywhere. Not far away, at least.

I walked a couple of blocks down the street until I came across a little park. I couldn't hold it then. I sat on one of the benches there and wept for what felt like hours.

I was truly happy for you, that you were so in love with someone and that he could love you back the same way. However, I couldn't help being sad. Unknowingly, I had loved you for years and assumed you felt the same way for me… It was such a sad situation that self pity wasn't enough.

On the bright side of things (it was better to look at the positive aspects of the whole thing instead of spiraling down into depression), now I could understand why I was always uninterested in dating and romantically awkward towards men.

Now, after all these years and after that night, here I am, in front of you sharing a little waltz dance. While you celebrate your big day dressed in white, I celebrate your happiness.

You didn't let me walk away from you despite how I acted afterwards. You still kept in touch with me even when I acted like I wanted nothing to do with you. You texted me and emailed me like usually, never complaining about me not replying how I used to. You were patient enough to try countless times to reach me and when I, finally, was a bit more stable to bear the acknowledge of this feeling and overcome my own stupidity, you were the same, as if nothing wrong had happened in the first place and I thank you for that. It must not been easy wanting to talk with someone and they acting like complete jerks.

"I love you! Thank you for everything," you tell me while we still dance slowly to the music rhythm.

"I love you too," I say while leaning my head on your shoulder. I can only imagine you mean it the way I mean it and close my eyes picture us together like this, as if it was our wedding instead of yours and his.